Have you ever cried so hard that it hurt?

Last night after I got home from a show, I broke down and cried so hard to the point of my head hurting. I was crying from the depths of my heart. It hurt so bad. I have not cried like that in so long. I honestly couldn't exactly figure out the real reason for the tears. Initially, I thought it was one thing but then realized it to be another. In reality, it was pent up emotions. Emotions that I had suppressed for quite some time.

Have you ever cried just to release it all? It's healthy to. I was literally crying out. It hurt so bad. My head, my heart. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover, even though I have never touched alcohol in my life. Some may think it's depression, and I know I had a depressed day today, which is not my norm. It took a while to recover, but I have and am...

I had a conversation last night with a good friend that brought out something that needed to be dealt with. I was upset with a situation and someone in particular that I was choosing to be cynical and catty about. It's not right ,and God finally called me out on it and made me deal with it. It was time to truly open up and clear the air. My friend now knows what the real situation was. It was a good dad / daughter like talk, and this conversation brought these thoughts, emotions and pain back to the surface. I had suppressed them for so long and was trying to forget them, that after we talked, they came right up. I couldn't handle it anymore.

That was just part of the tears. That convo put me over my limit as the stress and change happening in my life right now hit a peak. I'm seriously scared about starting school next week. I'm excited but scared to death. So much is changing. Will I be able to do it all? School, work, homework, clinical hours? Where's the money coming from? My social life will come to a halt for a year... Will my friends understand and stick around? Or will they run? Will I ever find Mr. Right? Do I really have to be patient? Do I have to wait on Your timing? Can You tell I'm freaking out? You know I like control!!

That's my problem... I like to be in control. I want to know what and when things are going to happen before they happen. I'm a thinker. I think 5-7 steps ahead of myself. But God's timing is perfect. He makes me wait. He knows I like to be in control and know what's going to happen. He knows so well that He in fact does reveal to me what's going to happen. Thing is, He doesn't tell me when! Which makes me kind of impatient...

No matter how crazed I feel, I know His ways are better than mine. His timing is better than mine. He's teaching me how to trust in Him. I love following Him and His leading. His ways are truly perfect. He has placed dreams and passions in my heart and soul that I'm just waiting on His timing for them to happen. It's so exciting!!

He works all things out for the good of those who love Him and keep His commands. Thank You, Abba Father. I belong to You. I trust Your timing, love and guidance. I trust Your heart. Wrap Your arms around me and just hold me for "I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?" (Rich Mullins).