Whispers From Above

You do not need to worry about your future.

When you think you've had enough. When you think life just isn't going your way. When you think you've had one too many "no's", God sends you a gentle yet subtle reminder that YOU are not in control.

This last week has been one of the roughest weeks for me. Caiden didn't have the outcome we were hoping and praying for. A dream of mine that I've had for about a year came crashing down. God said no. In fact, He said no twice to me in one week. Yeah, it's been rough to say the least... As it all begins to become a reality. As it all begins to sink in... I am learning to realize that I need to let go of my will and accept God's. For He is in control, not me. Last week was such a whirlwind, that I'm finally beginning to take the time to allow it to sink in as God slowly reveals to me His greater plan. It's not easy accepting two big No's from God in one week's time. But He is indeed in control as he revealed that to me once again tonight...

After a long day at work in the NICU - answering alarms, working with the docs, NNPs, my colleagues and RTs; as well as trying to keep my babies happy, well oxygenated and digesting their 1.5 - 3 mL of food every 3 hours; and also meeting the needs of parents, including allowing a first time mom to hold her 2 pound baby for the first time... after these 12+ hours of constantly giving of myself as my mind still wandered over the past week, God gave me a subtle, yet gentle, reminder. A whisper. How, you may ask? My unit had ordered Chinese take-out today and on my way out, I happened to grab a fortune cookie that read, You need not worry about your future.

How true. How I so needed to be reminded of that right then and there and now. God is in control. I DON'T need to worry about my future. He IS in control. His will is always better than mine for He sees the bigger picture while I see through but a small window of one scene from that picture.

God is in control... I need not worry about my future. For He will reveal it to me as I live day by day as I remember to just breathe and let life happen.

Snuggling w/ My Li'l Man

Had the most fun time two nights ago. I now know what it will be like some day to have my own kids. Wednesday night, I had the opportunity to watch Bretten (5), Caiden (4) and Josi (2). We had so much fun. Mainly just chilled out together and snuggled. Once 2 of the 3 were in bed, Caiden and I just chilled out together watching or listening to Auto B Good - cute DVD series that Caiden literally has memorized. He has a photographic memory! He was telling me the color of every car that was currently in the scene w/o seeing it! And he was right on every time! He knew and followed the storyline better than I did. He could tell me what was happening in each scene just by listening to it. But it helps he's seen it MANY times and this was a first for me (and I was half asleep). It was fun snuggling with my li'l man though. He's such a honey and so are his bro and sis. We had a good time. They went to bed very well for me too which was a huge help. But snuggling w/ Caiden was the best :)

Then Darci (their mom and one of my best friends) came home and we had a good time watching Hitch. Too funny. I had watched it one other time w/ my other sister, Amanda, but didn't really follow the storyline as we were busy making George shirts. So it was fun just chillin' out w/ Darci and having a good laugh after all we've been through this week. Then tonight my friend Erin and I chilled out and had girl talk. That was sure needed. We were going to go out to a movie, but neither of us could work up the energy to actually go do it. So we visited Bethany down the hall - so good to see her as it's been a while - then chilled out in front of She's the Man. That was fun to have a good laugh at such a chic-flick Disney movie. Then we talked for like two hours after that. So needed and felt so good to vent and discuss everything in life that we are experiencing... So much in common, so many frustrations, so much wondering what exactly God has in store for our lives and where He is leading...

God is good though. He never ceases to amaze me. That I will never stop proclaiming.

Beth & Amanda

Why

Long day yesterday. Concert Thurs night. Worked the last 3 days (F,S,S) – 12 hour shifts. Had George's b-day bash Sunday night. Then Caiden yesterday AM. Yeah, exhausted to say the least...

Had a very rough morning yesterday morning...
The tumors in Caiden's eyes grew. There was a new tumor that was bigger than the "old" tumors that were already present. The tumors were near a blood supply that could potentially pick up a cancer cell (or more) and take it to the bones. If that were to happen, Caiden's life would be on the line as he has already exhausted every form of treatment available to him – chemo, radiation, criotherapy, etc… If he were to be treated w/ chemo / radiation, it would increase his risk significantly of developing new tumors elsewhere in the body - which would also be untreatable. Chemo is a poison and the body can only handle so much before it starts defeating the purpose. Everything that could medically be done has already been done. There's nothing left to do. It was time for the eye to come out. After the surgery, the doctor said the eye was hard and actively dying and shutting down. Caiden still had some vision left, but it was just a matter of time before he had none.

Going thru the questions Caiden and his brother and sister have are going to be the hardest for his parents, Jamie and Darci... "Where's my eye? Why is it dark?" are the first two Caiden has already asked. It's a struggle especially when trying to explain to a 4 y/o that his eyes are gone b/c they were very sick. It takes time for him to understand and he will be asking that question multiple times. You know, after walking out of that outpatient clinic into the gorgeous sunshine and beautiful day, I started to really take in my surroundings as I realized how much I take my vision for granted knowing Caiden just lost his...

Please pray not only for Caiden and his family but also the doctor as this has been his longest and toughest case - normally kids are treated in about a year or so and are good to go. This is only the 2nd time in his entire career that this doctor has had to remove both eyes. He is struggling just as much as we are. He's a fellow believer and a phenomenal doctor. I have so much respect for this man. He has a great heart.

Have these last 2 years been wasted in fighting and praying as it came to this point? No. God has done a lot of teaching to all of us in these past 2+ years. The hope is still there that God can provide a miracle of healing for Caiden. God is not done w/ Caiden. He has already used his story to reach and help many families in the community. You, Tommy and Brook, have taken his story to the community and brought them around Caiden and his family. We have heard countless stories of those praying for him. Those he has touched. Those his story has ministered to. Thank you for choosing to share his story. God is far from done w/ Caiden tho. He has a plan. Caiden may not have his visual site, but he does have every other sense to make up for it. In fact, he's already bouncing back. It's just a matter of time and healing and he will be back to running (yes, running) around the house w/ his brother, Bretten, guiding him to avoid all obstacles while Caiden runs oblivious to his surroundings – yes, this was happening already prior to the surgery. And Bretten, his big 5 y/o brother, has already volunteered to help him even more (Caiden is 4 y/o). ☺

Yes, there is a spiritual struggle as well. Trying to understand why it had to come to this. Why did God provide a miracle at the start of treatments 2 years ago, seeming to get our hopes up, then to have it come to this? It's a struggle to wonder why? Why God? Why? But in trying to understand it all, we see how God's hand is woven through it all - in what He has done in Caiden's life, how he has taught us so many life lessons and how He's used Caiden to strengthen our faith. Caiden is still a living testimony and God continues to use this vibrant curly red-headed kid to teach us how to live and breathe and just let life happen as we rest in our Father's arms watching Him work before our very eyes.

93 & Counting

93. Let that sink in a minute. 93. 93 what? years? dollars? people? kids? ...getting closer... dogs? no, but we've had 101 before... In fact, we've had over 101 before... getting scary isn't it...

93 what?

Babies.

Yeah, we are currently providing care for 93+ babies with the anticipation of more on the way - multiples. They just keep coming! What was going on 6-7 months ago? Oh yeah, it was winter ;) Enough said.

Can you tell it was another crazy weekend at work. Definitely still feeling the nursing shortage as the need becomes greater as our census continues to rise. If you are having a hard time finding a job right now, consider a career in nursing. You are guaranteed a job as soon as you have your diploma in hand! There will always be a need as people are always getting sick - sad to say, but so true. The shortage is only going to get worse as the "older" nurses look to retirement. You are needed! It's a good career. Very rewarding. Get paid to travel. Great flexibility.

I enjoy it and don't anticipate going elsewhere. Even in the stressful times, it's still very rewarding. There is nothing better than sending home a set of twins after 4 1/2 long months... as I did recently (and they are bottle feeding!!) Doesn't get much better than that! :D

God is good :D

George Moss, Skillet, Toby Mac

Enough said. That was by far THE BEST concert I have ever attended! George Moss, one of my good friends, was the opening act. Went to Jamaica with him on a mission trip along with 21 others. We got to know each other in no way we could have otherwise. He has a strong heart for the Lord and an artist (and friend) so worth checking out (www.g-moss.com). Over half of the Jamaica team (aka Jamaica fam) made an appearance and almost all had made George shirts. It was amazing!! The outpour of love and support. I could have cried! I luv my fam! We had seen George perform in Jamaica but that was with performance tracks. We had never seen him with his full band. Let me tell ya, he had his FULL band there that night and his show was AMANZING. He also wore his WaYfm Jamaica shirt for us and his whole band wore green and yellow. That was so cool especially as we all lined the front row while he took the stage! He told me the next day that he had never had that much love and support at a show. God is good. Go Jamaica fam! We luv ya George!

Skillet was next up. I had never seen them in concert and prior to this show, they were not my most favorite band... although I really like their song, The Last Night. After seeing them live, my respect for their music has significantly increased and they have definitely become one of my favorite bands. They also have a big heart the Lord as well as for this young generation and reaching out to them. I think I need to get their album!!

Toby Mac. Do I need to say more? I was blown away!! He definitely knows how to put on a phenomenal show. That was my first time ever seeing him in concert. I have a deeper appreciation for this man as he also has a huge heart for the Lord and this generation. Can't wait till he's back in town!!

I have all my pics posted here: My Pics

Here's preview of what you'll find there:

Settling In

You know, after living in the same house for 22 years of my life and the same bedroom for 20 years of my life, moving to a new house can be difficult to make your home. Well, today, I just realized how much I love my "new" home. I have lived in it for just about a year and a half now. It is finally starting to feel like my home. I've been doing a lot of remodeling this last year and a half and it's starting to look like my home... not the guy who used to live here. The colors on the walls are my choice. Two of my floors have been refinished. The landscaping is settling in and my front yard has finally died by my choice. Yeah, I'm starting over - tired of the ugly hodge-podge that is currently there. Time to start fresh. I'm also starting to imagine what I wat to decorate my walls with. I know that I want to do my own artwork. I fully intend to use my photographs that I have taken over the years. One picture in particular is the first sunset that we saw when we were in Jamaica. I would like to blow that one up to at least a 16 x 20 and hang it in my pumpkin orange bedroom facing my bed. So that every morning that I wake up, I see the beautiful sunset while all the amazing memories from Jamaica soar through my mind. Jamaica will always be apart of my life. It was indeed my first mission trip and one of the most phenomenal experiences I have ever had... but that takes us down a whole new avenue of discussion. I have a huge heart for people. New mission opportunities are already coming my way as God never ceases to amaze me as I look forward to those opportunities as well as settling nicely in my home.

Nursing Shortage

The nursing shortage was felt very much this weekend into Labor Day and even beyond. I have never felt it as much as I did yesterday... Stress levels are way up as we are short staffed and the babies just keep coming... If you are looking for a career where you are guaranteed a job after graduation, become a nurse. You will be hired immediately after you receive your diploma! You are needed. While every other career people are trying to find jobs, nursing is looking for people to work! Good pay, great flexibility, numerous job opportunities and roles, get paid to travel, save lives! Do it. So worth it :)

You know, I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life as I did this weekend... Okay, so actually I have, but it just felt like it yesterday as it was day number 3 with a different assignment. It was intense. I am glad it was though b/c it kept me going for sure. Adrenaline is a great drug the body creates when you are stressed as it keeps ya on your toes! After adrenaline rushed thru me all day yesterday, I am sure feeling the after effects today. I don't want to move one part of my body. I'm fatigued, I'm exhausted, I'm aching all over. My body is screaming, what did you do to me?? (So is my brain ;) ) As I was finishing up my shift yesterday, the question was poised to me, "You wanna work tomorrow?" I was like, "Ah, no." I was thinking, "Are you CRAZY! Four 12s in a row? I could hardly do today, and you want me to come back tomorrow?! I can't. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I can't. I couldn't safely practice if I did... And no, they were not kidding. I could have worked today as they are short. That's another reason why I'm stressed b/c I hate to leave us short staffed. Not only that, I also know I have to come back to that situation this weekend...

Please don't get me wrong, I love my job. I'm just stressed and drained of all my capacities. I need a break to refresh myself to gear up for another weekend... Ugh... don't even want to think about it :( We need more nurses.

One thing I am looking forward to is the leadership positions my job is leading to. A friend of mine and I presented a very touchy topic to a shared leadership meeting for our unit. In November, we will be presenting it to a shared leadership meeting for the entire hospital, and then we will be heading up a work group to create a policy for our hospital for it to be implemented t/o the whole hospital. I'm floored by where this topic has brought us. It's amazing to watch God work before our very eyes.

Is It Just Me??

Is it just me or are you finding it happening to you too? I just don't get it... What is it w/ guys? Why do they feel the need to do this? I mean, more than likely we will never meet, so what's the point? They seem to do it more when they are in a group. But you know what? I find women doing it too... It is just way too weird when women do it!

What? What? What?

(Yeah, it's fun to tease ya to no end... Now I know how it works in media ;) and for those of you in media who have done it to me hundreds of times onair... there's my paybacks ;) I won't mention any of my friend's names... JB, Mike, Joe, Tommy, Brook, Rich, Rick!! Good times :D )

What?? It seems that every time I go rollerblading, random guys driving by honk their horn at me. I find it happening almost at LEAST once a skate if not more. What's even more weird is that I've had women honk at me too! That's just WEIRD! It's one thing to have guys do it, but women?! What is the point for either? We will probably never meet and I usually find myself feeling like a dork as I wave at them as a reflex before I realize I have no idea who they are...

Just a pet peeve I have been wanting to vent about for a while. Thought I'd also lighten the mood from the previous post. :)


(Click pic to make bigger as looks best that way & Watch Your Back ;) )